baby girl

spent all of the morning at keystone watching a family...two boys and a precious little girl who was asian, and they were not. makes me realize that adoption is out there for us someday. i couldn't stop watching them. whispering you are my ideal family, well, there would be four of mine but still...i was on the verge of tears, of heartache for what i don't yet have and heart full of what i know is yet to come. how to pay for something of that magnitude is more out of the question now than it ever has been and almost makes me think of having another pregnancy but shudder at the thought that if i intentionally got pregnant it would be to try for a girl and that is just wrong for me. and i could seriously have 6 boys i love the ones i have so much. but there would still be that gap, that missing piece, that deep aching yearning that i am not really sure that anyone understands because they don't FEEL my heart as real as i do but i long for her the way i already love and cherish and feel protective of the three i have. i refer to it as the mother bear feeling, like i would fly in to a clawing growling bellowing rage to protect and preserve my little hearts and i already feel that way about her. she belongs to us, she is part of us. though she doesn't even exist in the physical, in the spiritual already i pray for her and the mother whose womb she will grow and be born from. i pray for her precious daughter's heart that it would be so firmly meshed with ours, that she would know that she has been wanted and desired and named and cherished for YEARS before she was even born