I have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope with everything

If you see the wonder...of a fairytale...you can take the future...even if you fail...I believe in angels...something good in every...thing I see...I believe in angels...when I know the time is right for me...I have a dream...a song to sing...
I hope you were singing along because you love ABBA as much as I do. Well, that is my theme song and the littles know that after Mamma Mia, Super Trooper, and Waterloo, all their faves, comes track number 7, my fave. And I belt it out. Because I believe it. It is my life's anthem.
Last night, I really did have a dream. There were more cameos from my real life than I think I could even begin to recall...old friends, strangers, my family, my old neighborhood, places I have never been.
A little background before I go on...did you read my letter to Notorious? So you can imagine the impact that that kind of parenting had and still has on me. Affected my self worth, value, how i deal with conflict and fear...I have a dear friend who is helping me work through those bruises and scars as they pertain to my life now. It involves some deep intimate time with God and some serious soul searching. Remembering things I chose to forget. Forgiving things that I have already forgiven but need to do again on a deeper level to facilitate more freedom from all that held me down as a child and young adult. What I am learning is that I have to forgive not just the behavior that hurt me but also how it made me feel inside and how those feelings impact my reactions to life situations today. And trust God to impart Justice on my behalf.
In my dream I was going to a convenience store to pick up milk and chocolate and some other things. I had to park in this gravel lot a distance from a tiny walk in store and go through construction and school gym type area to get there.
I went in,made my purchases, saw more friends from my past and when I came out the other stores and vendors were closed and somehow we could not get back to the car. We were sent into the school, past the music room into a covered gravel lot again. There was a darling little girl dressed just like I would dress a girl waiting with us. I noted how patient and sweet she was. I told her that so many people complain about how emotional and high maintenance girls are but that she was so sweet and that maybe I would have one just like her. Then I asked her what her name was. "Justice" is what she told me. I thought that was kind of odd and the dream went on but when I woke up...epiphanies come flowing through like a snowstorm.
You see, I never felt wanted as a child. Will spare the details but later in life, my aunt and grandmother innocently recalled a moment when my father went off about how he never wanted a girl, blah blah blah blah blah. It justified everything I had ever felt because I knew it was real. What I felt and the way I was treated was real. I didn't imagine it. I wasn't oversensitive. I really WAS unwanted and rejected. From the moment of birth.
Wow.
Here I am nearly 40 years later and seeking true and deep forgiveness, trusting my REAL Father to impart justice. It is then that I realized maybe this deep seated longing for a girl is my desire for a do over. A life do over. Where I could give a daughter Pompey for a father instead of what I got. And there she was in my dream. Justice. Sweet, patient, beautiful Justice.
Do I think this means I am getting a girl next? No. But it sure does help me understand the longing and the need even more. And gives me a chance to address that need before the next baby comes. Regardless of gender, I will see Justice in my life.