owie and mamaguilt

I had to take out sister's little sparkly earrings tonight. They just didn't look right. Crusty every morning, red...and oh she cried, my sweet baby who never cries. And then nursed and nursed with her eyes peeled open so big and wide boring into me like What just HAPPENED Mama? Oh my heart. My breaking heart. For something so superficial. And I just feel so guilty. Getting over it because well, fact of the matter is, she will have pierced ears again but we will leave it in the hands of our beloved pediatrician for the placement and care. I was overly diligent about the care of them, for anyone who might wonder.
But the guilt and responsibility that comes with raising these little wonders slays me. And to be totally honest, the self reflection that has come with this girl child has been so different than with the boys. I am looking at my life, my past, my choices, my body and my self talk and asking Jesus to help me. Hold me. Mold me to be the kind of woman she can look up to. My journey started years ago with Psalm 51:6, behold you desire truth in the inward parts and in the hidden parts you will make me to know wisdom. Over the years, this has been the Holy Spirit's doorway to how I eat, and exercise, how I deal with other people, my children, and I feel His gently prodding to go deeper, again. To deal with my body once and for all. For freedom. The true freedom I found the first time I was really, truly set free, back in my early 20's. I want to know what it all means. Like now. But I know enough to know that all He gives me is today. Truth for today is that I am not supposed to count points. Truth for today is that I am to ask before every meal, every bite, Lord what do you have for me in this. Truth for today is that I am to talk to myself in my head the way I talk to and encourage my children. Even this tiniest one who has no schema and cannot articulate back to me. The love and affirmation that I shower on her, as well as the other littles, I am deserving of as well. I didn't get that as a little girl. Not completely. Not what I, and every child deserves. But I am not that little girl anymore. I am a grown up and I get to do it right with my kids. And I still have time to heal even deeper, even more completely, the hidden parts that David was psalming about. He wants my hidden parts. Truth, not lies. Wisdom, not the trash that was spoken over me as a kid.
Wow.
I am digesting and hearing the Lord in such an intimate way. Oh that I can impart that to my children. That they would feel His love and His direction and discipline with the gentleness that I do. His approval that matters more to me than any thing or anyone else...
How did I get here from earrings? Oh yeah, pain, guilt...freedom, and a chance to do it all over again, but better. And right. True.