Bird watching

I like birds. I like watching birds. They fascinate me. So dainty. Yet so hardy. Delicate but with a fluff of the feathers able to withstand the cold and wind. And so, every week, I portion out $4.28 for a bag of bird seed to fill my feeders so I can watch them flock and come and go.

Pitufo. He is my kindred spirit that one. Today he pulled the high wooden stool to the open screen on the door so he could watch them and sing out to them. Grabbed the camera as fast as I could meanwhile holding the images in my heart even more permanently.

Do you ever fear losing your children? I for one know it is a very real possibility and as morbid as it is, it makes me treasure every single minute. A difficult balance to train and equip them well all the while not being too indulgent, because I am ever mindful that perhaps this moment will be my last, or theirs...morbid? I guess so. But it's where I live.

So watching Pituf today was so sweet. He loves so many of the same things I do, he looks just like my mother, see the profile pic above...it is uncanny. He is selective about who and what he likes. Most like Martha on that one. He is my kindred spirit. Probably means we will share the most heartbreak as he grows older but I don't care. Right now, we understand each other, and really seem like we share the same soul sometimes. So naturally I think he is going to be taken away from me.

Doesn't help that I read too many blogs. I need to stop. But they remind me of how fleeting life is, how precious the mundane is, and how on days when I feel lacking something or someone, there are others out there who would give all they have for just a fraction of what has come my way so easily. So I read them, and I pray. Virtual strangers most of them but I count it as praying and paying forward, and backward too, for all that prayed for me when my life was their nightmare, well mine too for that matter but I am not in that place now. Thank goodness.

All that blog reading made me realize just how MUCH time I have available if I choose and so I applied to graduate school.

And then I had a panic attack. Not really but I did take my blood pressure because something just felt off. But I am okay. Low blood pressure. Just anxiety in the name of the GRE. Yikes!

So I am going to replace sad blogs with books about helping other people gain perspective and solve their life issues. Hopefully not inflicting any life issues on my own offspring along the way.

Maybe I'll have a window in my office some day.

And I can feed the birds.

Watch them flock and come and go...and fluff my feathers when the wind gets too cold. And help others do the same...