never satisfied...it's just not like me

In life, I am pretty much a take it as it comes kind of person. Even my brother's suicide left me thankful for grace and mercy in time of need. I miss him EVERY day, don't get me wrong, and yeah, I feel cheated in some ways, especially for my littles, but I have gone on.
This yearning for a daughter though has left me hanging. One of my life sayings is hope deferred makes the heart sick but when the desire comes it is a tree of life and that is how I feel. Not that any one of my precious littles are deferred hope for me, I am sure beyond any doubt that they are all meant to be in their perfect timing and place in our family but I can't let go of this nagging feeling that there is any empty place in my heart and in our home.
I have begun to just pray. I am thinking of Elizabeth from the Bible and how she longed for and clung to the promise that was made to her. She beseeched a God she knew and trusted and never, seemingly anyways, gave up hope. And THAT baby was John. Wow. Glad she kept trying, huh? It is rather hard to explain...I don't look at families with girls and feel envy, just longing. And realllly do when I see three ninos and a little nina and I think how LUCKY that little girl is. My boys are all so amazing and so different. What a rich woman she would be to be surrounded by all that they are, on top of parents who albeit far from perfect, we really love and like each other and work together to encourage each other's hearts. Maybe part of it too is that I had such a perfect and amazing mother and total lack in the father department and some part of me wants to redeem the time that was lost in my childhood by giving a daughter a father like Pompey. He is the epitomy of gentle leadership, the strong and firm direction with the tender heart. Really the perfect father if you ask me. Perfect for our boys but I think how amazing a girl's life would be to have him as her leader and example. Gosh she might never get married just trying to find someone that lives up to him and the example he sets in our home in his work and play and love and discipline. The yearning is tangible...I picture her hair, her personality, the sweetness of my sons loving a sister. Notorious tells me all the time that he wants one. Partly because he just relates to women really well, and because he sees on tv how he is missing out on a whole world of other toys. Can I really justify buying the Little Pet Shop for three boys? No.
Then there is the issue of the roulette of conception. I feel like I have been jinxed on the gender aisle and even if I prayed and believed I would in the end be the mom with four boys that everyone pictured with a girl. Ok. That would be ok. But just ok. Another thing is, I so picture me with four children. It just seems round and perfect and balanced and complete. Question is, do I want four boys...which means no girl ever?
Can't answer that one. Not even rhetorical because it just resounds in my heart over and over and over...
So here I am, unsatisfied in my life for really the first time. Maybe when I was 28 and single and thinking never would I ever meet anyone...comes close but not the same.
It's just not like me...