John Wayne

Well ladies...I finally had a breakdown. The flood gates cracked and I bawled my eyes out for a whole day over well, over the stresses of life. Nothing major although it feels major. Nothing unresolvable but insurmountable at the moment nevertheless. I pride myself on not being a crying kind of girl. I don't know why exactly. Maybe I have enough faults that are so blaringly obvious that I don't want to add emotionally weak or volatile to it. Whatever the reason, however deeply rooted, I don't cry. Ever really. Rarely if at all.
However, yesterday. I cried. I bawled all the way to Keystone before ladies bible study. Got it together, went in, dropped two littles off in child care. Tiny barfed. Guess the workers did not heed my warnings. And there I was. Thinking I had a moments respite to gather my thoughts when instead I am seated with 50 other stellar chicks with barf boy on my lap fighting back the tears. Then I am approached by the most beautiful stellar chick who I know is wonderful but is perfect therefore daunting and she asks me a simple How are you? And girls, the floodgates opened and I was just blubbering. And embarassed. Aforementioned beautiful girl kneels down and so compassionately comforts me. I could cry again just thinking about it now. How could I have ever judged her and thought her untouchable when that is the thing I fear most about myself, that people won't like me for no reason? I am horrible.
Yaya and I were discussing what it is in me that holds things in, internalizes, retreats, is stoic. I am so much more like a guy this way. I NEVER react. Rarely. I just stay cool calm and collected. Until the last straw is laid on my back and then I break. With no warning. This cannot be healthy. But, it is how I am. For now anyway.
So Yaya wisely observes, "Martha, it is good for your friends and people to see that you are real and human. That is a good thing." But Mom, why AM I this WAY??? Well, she says, you probably learned it from me. Being John Wayne is what we call it.
So, I finally have the only somewhat bad thing I can think of that I learned from my mother.
And boy do I feel better after all that crying. Nothing has changed circumstantially but I feel better.
This is good.